yes. i am a schizoid. not a schizophrenic, but a schizoid.
schizoid. sabi ng intarnet, it is a mental sickness characterized by detachment from social relationships.
that's me, a sort of schizoid. i've already diagnosed myself when i was still in college, so i'm already at peace with it. i didn't care at that time, the fact that i might be mentally unstable. being with the people i was with that time made it feel okay, or maybe, because we're all mental patient-wannabes. hmmm.
but the thing is, i don't think i can accept the theory that there exists one person, who's completely sane.
because that's another form of insanity.
so you ask, ano ang magandang maidudulot ng pagiging schizoid sa entry na ito? o well.
midterms has been over for three days now. i've already sang my "coz i am free, i can do anything" chant. but tonight's the block's after-midterm party in tagaytay, and yet i am writing this.
believe me when i confess that for the first time ever, upon riding the car, i just told kuya nash, the driver: "iyak na lang ako ha." well, not just because i wasn't able to go to the party, because that would already concretize my being a loser, pero wala lang. i just couldn't keep everything to myself anymore.
in a way, tinamaan ako. even if that wasn't the first time i felt i made the wrong decision by excluding myself from whatever is happening, what happened kanina still tugged the heart. surprisingly someone ahmm, surprised me by saying something, unexpected. he said i should be touched, rather than hurt, because people are telling me that i'm such a loser for not going and that i'm the only person who won't, because they do that because they want me there.
well. may pupunta pa pala sa libing ko.
nice lang. my pretty people even offered to fetch me from the house tonight, if ever i get permitted to go. little sweet gesture that wasn't expected, because how can one possibly be so brilliant slash lucky enough to find such nice friends in barely three months?
just like what i was saying earlier, something worse than this had happened to me already. i was in third year high school, the dance. all my friends were going, except for me. i didn't paalam because that year was my punishing myself year, for being an anak [i.e., committing mistakes and getting spanked even if you're already a teenager]. twas a rocky day. i tried making paalam to dad but he wouldn't allow me because it was too late already and he's leaving for some country that night.
evening. i finally was able to calm myself, assuring myself that it's NOT gonna be a long lonely night. then all of a sudden, my friends call me, telling me that my crush-slash-ka-m.u. when i was still a froshie [eww. i actually used that word] who left after the first year to study somewhere else was there, just don't know whether he was looking for me, and he was gwapo, and my friends definitely thought he was smoldering.
the thing is, i still remember what one of my friends said before ending the call. she said, "i hope you have a good night's sleep at hindi nagsisisi dahil hindi ka pumunta".
hmmm.
maybe i should really go to a psychiatrist. baka kasi maipon lalo e. even if i've already predicted that when i get old i'll get sick by whatever that sickness is called, basta yung you finally live the secret life you've always kept to yourself. maybe i really should have myself checked.
so there. this isn't the first time. just sucks to think that i really had to make an entry for my explanation. but the explanations i gave are true naman.
a. my parents are conservative/overprotective
b. i want a different environment, even for a couple of days
c. gusto kong makihalubilo sa business ni madir
d. hindi ako ganon
i think i just balance stuff. don't wanna be the forever kj but not the forever layas either.
i'm a schizoid. i'm not proud of it all the time, but, i'm a schizoid.
that's me, a sort of schizoid. i've already diagnosed myself when i was still in college, so i'm already at peace with it. i didn't care at that time, the fact that i might be mentally unstable. being with the people i was with that time made it feel okay, or maybe, because we're all mental patient-wannabes. hmmm.
but the thing is, i don't think i can accept the theory that there exists one person, who's completely sane.
because that's another form of insanity.
so you ask, ano ang magandang maidudulot ng pagiging schizoid sa entry na ito? o well.
midterms has been over for three days now. i've already sang my "coz i am free, i can do anything" chant. but tonight's the block's after-midterm party in tagaytay, and yet i am writing this.
believe me when i confess that for the first time ever, upon riding the car, i just told kuya nash, the driver: "iyak na lang ako ha." well, not just because i wasn't able to go to the party, because that would already concretize my being a loser, pero wala lang. i just couldn't keep everything to myself anymore.
in a way, tinamaan ako. even if that wasn't the first time i felt i made the wrong decision by excluding myself from whatever is happening, what happened kanina still tugged the heart. surprisingly someone ahmm, surprised me by saying something, unexpected. he said i should be touched, rather than hurt, because people are telling me that i'm such a loser for not going and that i'm the only person who won't, because they do that because they want me there.
well. may pupunta pa pala sa libing ko.
nice lang. my pretty people even offered to fetch me from the house tonight, if ever i get permitted to go. little sweet gesture that wasn't expected, because how can one possibly be so brilliant slash lucky enough to find such nice friends in barely three months?
just like what i was saying earlier, something worse than this had happened to me already. i was in third year high school, the dance. all my friends were going, except for me. i didn't paalam because that year was my punishing myself year, for being an anak [i.e., committing mistakes and getting spanked even if you're already a teenager]. twas a rocky day. i tried making paalam to dad but he wouldn't allow me because it was too late already and he's leaving for some country that night.
evening. i finally was able to calm myself, assuring myself that it's NOT gonna be a long lonely night. then all of a sudden, my friends call me, telling me that my crush-slash-ka-m.u. when i was still a froshie [eww. i actually used that word] who left after the first year to study somewhere else was there, just don't know whether he was looking for me, and he was gwapo, and my friends definitely thought he was smoldering.
the thing is, i still remember what one of my friends said before ending the call. she said, "i hope you have a good night's sleep at hindi nagsisisi dahil hindi ka pumunta".
hmmm.
maybe i should really go to a psychiatrist. baka kasi maipon lalo e. even if i've already predicted that when i get old i'll get sick by whatever that sickness is called, basta yung you finally live the secret life you've always kept to yourself. maybe i really should have myself checked.
so there. this isn't the first time. just sucks to think that i really had to make an entry for my explanation. but the explanations i gave are true naman.
a. my parents are conservative/overprotective
b. i want a different environment, even for a couple of days
c. gusto kong makihalubilo sa business ni madir
d. hindi ako ganon
i think i just balance stuff. don't wanna be the forever kj but not the forever layas either.
i'm a schizoid. i'm not proud of it all the time, but, i'm a schizoid.
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